Playing Grown Up and Just Plain Grown Up

At 6PM today all I wanted to do was drive my truck to the park, set up my slack line, and repeatedly fall off of it until sunset. After that, I would roll down the nearest grassy hill and sprawl on my back to watch the sky change clothes.

It was glorious to know what I want, but I didn't do it.

Instead I turned my back on my office window as the light outside turned to liquid gold and dripped over the horizon. I refilled my mug at the cooler and slogged through spreadsheets, compiling lists, comparing report qualifications, responding to e-mails.

Partly in an attempt to chip away at that behemoth of a deadline looming on the calendar two weeks from tomorrow. Partly in hope of feeling less new. (I'm so sick of that.) And mostly because I really care.

Is this the mark of life or death? Maturity or senility?

"They never told me I would only have two weeks of vacation a year, evenings, and weekends to grow as a person and do life the way I want," said a newly graduated friend of mine over the phone last week. "No one ever described my future like that to me. Now, here I am exhausted, working for a cause I believe in, but in a job I just...don't like."

For whatever reason, the reality of adult toil and (lack of) vacation time hit me my first senior year in college...distressing me greatly. Ok, I freaked. I considered emigrating to France where the 35-hour work week has been holding strong for a generation or more (not sure exactly). I had always wanted to learn French anyway. Perfect!

I decided to go to career counseling and figure out a backup plan in case the entire country of France let me down. After taking every personality and professional interest test known to man, I discovered that I should definitely NOT join the military, but steer clear of anything pertaining to handmade handicrafts. Otherwise, the rest was fair game. What frustrating flattery is the curse of possibility.

Well, the birth canal between college graduation and adult contribution is messy.

When I first suited up to join the workforce, I remember running away at the end of the day, stripping off the business attire, kicking off the heels, swapping them for t-shirts, jeans and chacos before jumping into my pickup and making for the nearest climbing gym. I wanted to climb a mountain and put my hands in the dirt, laugh so hard I couldn't breathe, bring home stacks of library books from every genre, run as fast as I could because I could. I was determined to be the most un-stereotypical person possible.

A year and a half later, I still do all of these things. Except now, I do them without the desperation to save myself. Because I am myself and becoming more so all the time. This is what I believe even as I struggle to breathe and contribute in this new role and environment.

One conundrum of adult life is how to seek wisdom without forgetting how to play like a kid.
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Note to the reader:
I'll have you know that I played like a kid on Saturday. Friends, a football, a slackline, and sprawling in the grass were all involved. Mmm-Glorious!

This is some of my wisdom.