Dazzle

Do you know what to call a group of zebras?

A dazzle.

Why didn't they teach me this in second grade?

Now that I know. 

This is what I've done...

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Art print by Anna Bond
www.riflepaperco.com

A group of zebras

A group of frazzled stripes

Pounding plains

Chasing frames

of loss and gain

to report to some carnivorous accountant

at year end

Thunder, hooves, hocus pocus

Serengetti stereograms 

beat greeting cards senseless

If you (just) shift your focus

I have a friend with stripes

that mystify shadows

some know more than I know

If I stay quiet

my lesser knowing may grow

If I stand up

If I speak up

Alright

He'll run

Then the others will come

as if at the shot of a gun

long distance dazzle

best with half the sun on its side

No escape

No pride

(Just) the rush

and long grass

Ring Ring - Ode to the Master's Thesis

"Hey hey

The way you spin me around

You make me dizzy when you play me

Like a kid with a crown

Ring ring

Ring ring

Ring ring"

-From Ring Ring by Mika

"Telephone line. Give me some time. I'm living in twilight."

-From Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra

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The last five hours of my life are gone, sacrificed at the altar to my master's thesis. Our five-person team is counting down the hours, not days, hours until we submit our research, key findings, and business recommendations to a company that makes and sells telephones among other things.

I have nothing more to say on the subject, not just because I signed a non-disclosure agreement, but because it doesn't make for interesting writing or reading. And I should know after writing and editing 40 pages of it.

Meet Zack Morris and his ridiculous mobile phone,
in case you missed out on them in the 90's.

Since the prospect of finishing this 6-month project fills me with great joy, I wanted to leave you with the first song that came to my mind when I tried to think of phones and fun at the same time just now.
If you pay attention to the lyrics, you'll find that it's not so much about fun as phones and other stuff.

Essentially, my subconscious chose an ode to my master's thesis project. A peppy dirge, if you will.

Click Here to Listen to Mika's Ring Ring (It'll be fun!)

Thanks for sharing in my catharsis.

Everyone Needs A Place

"Everyone needs a place. It shouldn't be inside of someone else." 
- From Detail of the Woods by Richard Siken

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I.

I like poetry. I like trees. I like my poetry with trees and my trees with poetry.
When I was five, my teacher-mother prompted me line-by-line to memorize Robert Frost. I can still recite "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by heart. 

"Whose woods these are, I think I know

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here 

To watch his woods fill up with snow."

As an English major, I managed to get some credit for this in a college lit class. Bless my teacher-mother.

II.

A few days ago, I was asked to prepare an original spoken-word poem to perform in public. So, in preparation, I took a break earlier today to listen to spoken-word poet Sarah Kay. I first came across her TEDTalk performance of "How Many Lives Can I Live?" a few years ago, loved it, and posted it here on this site. I have no good explanation for my delay in tracking down more of her stuff, but today I found her performing "The Type." It's wonderful to find something real, deep, beautiful, and true all at the same time. Whether you're male, female, or transgender, I believe your humanity can connect with this:

Click Here to Watch "The Type" by Sarah Kay

She prefaces this telling with the line of Richard Siken's poetry that I included at the top of this post. "Everyone needs a place. It shouldn't be inside of someone else." Inspired, I read the rest of Siken's poem. It's set in the woods. Unlike Frost, there's no snow in sight.

III.

My friend David knows how to construct things--edifices and possibly cakes. People pay him money for this knowledge, but I bring him up because he has an international treehouse atlas on his coffee table. 

"Everyone needs a place."
A treehouse?

You build one for you. I'll build one for me. We can be treehouse neighbors like Ewoks.

IV.

““But I will bless the person

    who puts his trust in [the Lord].

He is like a tree growing near a stream

    and sending out roots to the water.

It is not afraid when hot weather comes,

    because its leaves stay green;

it has no worries when there is no rain;

    it keeps on bearing fruit."

Jeremiah 17:7-8 

Good News Translation

Some ancient spoken-word poetry from a prophet. -S

Better Than You Think

I happened across this article the other day, and I find myself coming back to it convinced that it's a great way to count some blessings and practice gratitude.

20 Signs You're Doing Better Than You Think You Are

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2015/02/20-signs-youre-doing-better-than-you-think-you-are/

#1. "You paid the bills this month, and maybe even had extra to spend on non-necessities. It doesn’t matter how much you belabored the checks as they went out, the point is that they did, and you figured it out regardless.

#2. "You question yourself. You doubt your life. You feel miserable some days. This means you’re still open to growth. This means you can be objective and self-aware. The best people go home at the end of the day and think: “or… maybe there’s another way.”

#3. "You have a job. For however many hours, at whatever rate, you are earning money that helps you eat something, sleep on something, wear something every day. It’s not failure if it doesn’t look the way you thought it would – you’re valuing your independence and taking responsibility for yourself.

#4. "You have time to do something you enjoy. Even if “what you enjoy” is sitting on the couch and ordering dinner and watching Netflix.

#5. "You are not worried about where your next meal is coming from. There’s food in the fridge or pantry, and you have enough to actually pick and choose what you want to eat.

#6. "You can eat because you enjoy it. It’s not a matter of sheer survival.

#7. "You have one or two truly close friends. People worry about the quantity but eventually tend to realize the number of people you can claim to be in your tribe has no bearing on how much you feel intimacy, acceptance, community, or joy. At the end of the day, all we really want are a few close people who know us (and love us) no matter what.

#8. "You could afford a subway ride, cup of coffee, or the gas in your car this morning. The smallest conveniences (and oftentimes, necessities) are not variables for you.

#9. "You’re not the same person you were a year ago. You’re learning, and evolving, and can identify the ways in which you’ve changed for better and worse.

#10. "You have the time and means to do things beyond the bare minimum. You’ve maybe been to a concert in the last few years, you buy books for yourself, you could take a day trip to a neighboring city if you wanted – you don’t have to work all hours of the day to survive.

#11. "You have a selection of clothing at your disposal. You aren’t worried about having a hat or gloves in a blizzard, you have cool clothes for the summer and something to wear to a wedding. You not only can shield and decorate your body, but can do so appropriately for a variety of circumstances.

#12. "You can sense what isn’t right in your life. The first and most crucial step is simply being aware. Being able to communicate to yourself: “something is not right, even though I am not yet sure what would feel better.”

#13. "If you could talk to your younger self, you would be able so say: “We did it, we made it out, we survived that terrible thing.” So often people carry their past traumas into their present lives, and if you want any proof that we carry who we were in who we are, all you need to do is see how you respond to your inner child hearing, you’re going to be okay, from the person they became.

#14. "You have a space of your own. It doesn’t even have to be a home or apartment (but that’s great if it is). All you need is a room, a corner, a desk, where you can create or rest at your discretion; where you govern who gets to be part of your weird little world, and to what capacity. It’s one of the few controls we can actually exert.

#15. "You’ve lost relationships. More important than the fact that you’ve simply had them in the first place is that you or your former partner chose not to settle. You opened yourself to the possibility of something else being out there.

#16. "You’re interested in something. Whether it’s now how to live a happier life, maintain better relationships, reading or movies or sex or society or the axis on which the world spins, something intrigues you to explore it.

#17. "You know how to take care of yourself. You know how many hours of sleep you need to feel okay the next day, who to turn to when you’re heartbroken, what you have fun doing, what to do when you don’t feel well, etc.

#18. "You’re working toward a goal. Even if you’re exhausted and it feels miles away, you have a dream for yourself, however vague and malleable.

#19. "But you’re not uncompromisingly set on anything for your future. Some of the happiest and best adjusted people are the ones who can make any situation an ideal, who are too immersed in the moment to intricately plan and decidedly commit to any one specific outcome.

#20. "You’ve been through some crap. You can look at challenges you currently face and compare them to ones you thought you’d never get over. You can reassure yourself through your own experience. Life did not get easier, you got smarter."

Between Loads

"After enlightenment, the laundry." - Zen Proverb
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Look closely...this is not a lifesize alleyway.
Photo credit: My 8x10 Life posted by Kathleen

I stole this fabulous proverb from a book review I skimmed earlier today. This week I'm working on the "laundry." Sadly, I can't claim any sudden enlightenment, but I am mulling over some bright spots that have cropped up.

Shimmering Glimmers of the Week:

1.  How to Become Batman: This most recent Invisibilia podcast episode from NPR is life-changing storytelling. Do you need eyes to see? Whelp, you don't need eyes to listen to this, so hit the link above and find out!

2. "The Man Born Blind": I randomly discovered this lesser-known short story by C.S. Lewis in The Dark Tower and Other Stories. It's engaging and tragic in its ironic brilliance...or is it brilliant irony?

Ok, back to the drudgery...

Midnight Meditations

It's a cozy midnight and I'm just meditating on some words from the past week as the new one begins:

"The desirability of virtue and the holiness of reality first appear when the mind is free from the fear and hope of punishment and reward..."  - C.S. Lewis

"If you do the hard work, good things will come." - Shelby the Wise

Like I said, it's after midnight. The moon is smiling like the Cheshire cat, and I can't help smile along feeling like Orion is leaning over wondering what's going on with me. The moon might not be full, but I am, full and satisfied, anticipating responsibilities and travels and more to do than the days can hold, but at the same time not worrying about any of it. Somehow, deep inside I feel a quietness that frankly may not last, but right now I know enough, am enough, have enough, mean enough.

Enough. I've done the hard work, and good things are coming.

I started a new journal today. A new journal for a new year, a new week, a new me. All things new.
I write in it about twice a day usually with a candle burning nearby.
What will crop up on these pages one by one, I wonder? What spells and stories, surprises and sorrows?
I recalled C.S. Lewis' words above just now without fully knowing why or how they apply to my life. I guess, in general, I must admit that I am not afraid of punishment and haven't been for some time. What I am getting over or perhaps only recently beginning to get over is the hope of reward. Perhaps now my loves are reordering and desire is growing. It is written that the Lord will give us the desires of our hearts, not just the fulfillment of desire, but give the desires themselves, the longing, the yearning, the wanting that we need.

Good things are coming.
Peace be with you.

Giving and Receiving

My favorite gifts to give and receive any time of the year are quality time and conversation (and sci-fi paraphernalia). I got and gave a lot of this over the holidays, first with my sister and family, then with a big group of college friends. I remember the sparkling moments of connection better than any of the presents except for the heat-sensitive Doctor Who TARDIS mug that I got from my friend Tiffany. When it's filled with any hot, festive beverage, the TARDIS disappears from the English suburban street scene on one side of the mug and reappears in deep space on the other. Even if you don't find the show's premise compelling and its general cheesiness endearing, you have to admit that this mug is awesome. 

"It's a Disappearing TARDIS Mug from the Rebel Alliance. How they mock us!"
[CAPTION CONTEST: Leave your best shot in the comments, and maybe I'll send you a Disappearing TARDIS Mug.]

On a much more serious note, in honor of the season and that ugly sweater party that I helped advertise but didn't attend, I read and reread some wise words about giving and receiving that seem worth sharing and sandwiching between some festive sci-fi references. A spoonful of sci-fi makes the medicine go down?

OPENING UP

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown may be the best book I read in 2014. It's short, but almost all of it's 130 pages are quotable and full of wisdom worth inscribing on the heart. Below, Brene writes about giving and receiving help; I think the concepts apply to giving and receiving anything.

“Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we are both."

Brown writes that she has learned a great deal about giving and receiving from the men and women she has interviewed in her research, "but nothing is more important that this:

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”

TEN PRINCIPLES for GIVING & RECEIVING

I first heard of Melody Beattie from one of my best friends when she received Beattie's first book Codependent No More as a gift. We both laughed a little about what a quirky gift this was, but she read it and recommended it. About a year ago or so, I picked up Beattie's latest entitled The New Codependency where I found these ten points about giving and receiving. Clearly, Melody writes about codependency which can be a bit nebulous. I think it's a useful term, but if you find it confusing or stigmatized, just replace the word "codependent" with the word "unhealthy" as you read the passage below. I believe it holds a lot of meaning and wisdom either way.

"1. Balanced giving and receiving.

A goal of healthy living is balanced giving and receiving. We want reciprocal balanced giving and receiving in certain relationships. I’m not suggesting that we keep score, but we do need to pay attention so that one person isn’t doing all the giving while the other only takes in a relationship that is supposed to be reciprocal. That’s codependent. Sometimes we give to be of service. We don’t want anything back except good feelings. Balance doesn’t mean giving and receiving the same amount daily. It means the scales don’t tip too far in either direction overall. There may be periods when one person does most of the giving and then the other person does. Or we contribute one thing and the other person gives something else. If we’ve spent 20 years giving to others, we need to stop for a while. The way to test if a relationship is balanced is ask and observe. Do we feel drained, manipulated, or used giving to this person?

2. Abstain until we’re giving cleanly.
It’s said people can’t outgive God, but codependents come close. That’s not healthy giving. If we’re compulsively giving, stop until our giving comes from the heart. Abstinence from giving is the best way to do this. No giving until our giving and receiving is clean and balanced.

3. Know when to start giving again.
Some people associate all giving with codependency and permanently stop giving. Not giving at all is as unhealthy as compulsively giving too much. Both behaviors are codependent. Giving is a personal choice, but never giving breaks universal law. Giving too much or too little means we’re not trusting ourselves. Know when to give again. Life will nudge us. We may notice a blockage or decrease in our receiving or we’ll be aware that it’s been too long since we’ve been of service. Healthy giving is choosing freely when we want to give, how much, and to whom. Not giving blocks the flow of life energy. If you’ve learned to say no, maybe it’s time to learn when to say yes.

4. Learn to receive.
While it’s more blessed to give than get, it’s important to receive. For some people, giving puts them in the driver’s seat. Receiving leaves us vulnerable, and we feel like someone is controlling us. Some of us were abused by people who gave to us, and to protect ourselves, we don’t receive from anyone anymore which guarantees people can’t control us by giving. Also by not receiving, we don’t feel like we owe people because they gave something to us. Learning when to receive means listening to and trusting ourselves. It’s even okay to ask for what we need. Asking is different than demanding. Asking for what we need means people have a right to say no.

5. Know your boundaries.  
The same way some people give compulsively without boundaries, other people receive without boundaries, neither is healthy. Boundaries aren’t static, they’re based on how we feel and what feels right or wrong to us in each situation. Be aware of what feels right to us concerning giving and receiving. If we’re unsure, wait until we’re clear.

6. Give cleanly and clearly. 
Give without ulterior motives or conditions. If we have conditions on our giving, then be clear about what those are. Otherwise, it’s manipulation. If we expect something back from God or the person, then we’ll likely be victimized by ourselves again unless the person we give to is aware of and agrees to the condition.

7. Saying no is loving.
God needs people to be vessels to give to and care for people. If we don’t want to give, it means we probably aren’t meant to, unless we’re stuck in our fear of compulsively giving. Knowing when to give, how much, and to whom are as important as knowing when not to give. Our giving can be God’s hand touching people, or it can block them from learning a lesson. Don’t give unless it’s something you feel led to do and you are willing to take responsibility for your decision.

8. Don’t be afraid of giving.
Sometimes when we don’t have much to give, we’re able to give freely. When we have more, we may become stingy. We may be afraid of manipulation. Sometimes people are trying to manipulate us. Or we may be financially insecure. No matter our budget, our higher power is taking care of us. Clean giving takes practice. We’ll probably make mistakes. If we take responsibility for what we give, then we won’t be victimized.

9. Give and receive more than money.
There are things we can give and receive that as important or more valuable than money—time, skills, compassion, encouragement, and listening. Sometimes it’s easier to give money than to give of ourselves. But giving of ourselves is important and brings with it a special blessing.

10. Beware of crossing the line.
Our goal is giving that’s pure. If we cross the line from giving clearly and cleanly no matter what we’re giving into the codependent zone, all we need to do is step back over. But don’t forget that giving is essential to being a healthy, loving person. Until we can say yes as freely as we say no, we’re still on the codependent side of the line. Freely giving and receiving completes the circle of love."

Beattie advises readers to become aware of our giving and receiving by keeping a log for one month. "Note how much you give, who you give to, how you feel and are motivated, and how you feel afterward," she writes. "Log when and what you receive...Do you feel you have to give back each time someone gives to you? Are you afraid to give? Are you caught up in compulsive giving? Are you giving to manipulate? Are you able to ask for what you need? Awareness is the first step toward acceptance, peace, and change."

Ahem...

To round off all this seriousness and revisit that dangling sci-fi thread in this post, I feel like I should say that I gave my dad Guardians of the Galaxy on DVD for Christmas. He watched it two days in a row. I'm very proud of him.
The power drill he gave me is pretty amazing, too. I figure I should mention that in case he reads this post, I don't want him to feel slighted by my reference to the TARDIS mug of wonders.

Merry belated Christmas and Happiest New Year!
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"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given...and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6 (KJV)

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For some reason, I've never anchored on Isaiah's reference to Jesus as "Wonderful Counselor."
I dig that. I dig the peace part, too.
Peace and goodwill to all humankind and here's to a New Year of giving and receiving.