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| "It's a Disappearing TARDIS Mug from the Rebel Alliance. How they mock us!" [CAPTION CONTEST: Leave your best shot in the comments, and maybe I'll send you a Disappearing TARDIS Mug.] |
On a much more serious note, in honor of the season and that ugly sweater party that I helped advertise but didn't attend, I read and reread some wise words about giving and receiving that seem worth sharing and sandwiching between some festive sci-fi references. A spoonful of sci-fi makes the medicine go down?
OPENING UP
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown may be the best book I read in 2014. It's short, but almost all of it's 130 pages are quotable and full of wisdom worth inscribing on the heart. Below, Brene writes about giving and receiving help; I think the concepts apply to giving and receiving anything.
“Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re
reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve
divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The
truth is that we are both."
Brown writes that she has learned a great deal about giving and receiving from the men and women she has interviewed in her research, "but nothing is more important that this:
Brown writes that she has learned a great deal about giving and receiving from the men and women she has interviewed in her research, "but nothing is more important that this:
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really
giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we
knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”
TEN PRINCIPLES for GIVING & RECEIVINGI first heard of Melody Beattie from one of my best friends when she received Beattie's first book Codependent No More as a gift. We both laughed a little about what a quirky gift this was, but she read it and recommended it. About a year ago or so, I picked up Beattie's latest entitled The New Codependency where I found these ten points about giving and receiving. Clearly, Melody writes about codependency which can be a bit nebulous. I think it's a useful term, but if you find it confusing or stigmatized, just replace the word "codependent" with the word "unhealthy" as you read the passage below. I believe it holds a lot of meaning and wisdom either way.
"1. Balanced giving and receiving.
A goal of
healthy living is balanced giving and receiving. We want reciprocal balanced
giving and receiving in certain relationships. I’m not suggesting that we keep
score, but we do need to pay attention so that one person isn’t doing all the
giving while the other only takes in a relationship that is supposed to be
reciprocal. That’s codependent. Sometimes we give to be of service. We don’t
want anything back except good feelings. Balance doesn’t mean giving and
receiving the same amount daily. It means the scales don’t tip too far in
either direction overall. There may be periods when one person does most of the
giving and then the other person does. Or we contribute one thing and the other
person gives something else. If we’ve spent 20 years giving to others, we need
to stop for a while. The way to test if a relationship is balanced is ask and
observe. Do we feel drained, manipulated, or used giving to this person?
2. Abstain until we’re giving cleanly.
It’s said people can’t outgive God, but codependents come close. That’s not healthy giving. If we’re compulsively giving, stop until our giving comes from the heart. Abstinence from giving is the best way to do this. No giving until our giving and receiving is clean and balanced.
3. Know when to start giving again.
Some people associate all giving with codependency and permanently stop giving. Not giving at all is as unhealthy as compulsively giving too much. Both behaviors are codependent. Giving is a personal choice, but never giving breaks universal law. Giving too much or too little means we’re not trusting ourselves. Know when to give again. Life will nudge us. We may notice a blockage or decrease in our receiving or we’ll be aware that it’s been too long since we’ve been of service. Healthy giving is choosing freely when we want to give, how much, and to whom. Not giving blocks the flow of life energy. If you’ve learned to say no, maybe it’s time to learn when to say yes.
4. Learn to receive.
While it’s more blessed to give than get, it’s important to receive. For some people, giving puts them in the driver’s seat. Receiving leaves us vulnerable, and we feel like someone is controlling us. Some of us were abused by people who gave to us, and to protect ourselves, we don’t receive from anyone anymore which guarantees people can’t control us by giving. Also by not receiving, we don’t feel like we owe people because they gave something to us. Learning when to receive means listening to and trusting ourselves. It’s even okay to ask for what we need. Asking is different than demanding. Asking for what we need means people have a right to say no.
5. Know your boundaries.
The same way some people give compulsively without boundaries, other people receive without boundaries, neither is healthy. Boundaries aren’t static, they’re based on how we feel and what feels right or wrong to us in each situation. Be aware of what feels right to us concerning giving and receiving. If we’re unsure, wait until we’re clear.
6. Give cleanly and clearly.
Give without ulterior motives or conditions. If we have conditions on our giving, then be clear about what those are. Otherwise, it’s manipulation. If we expect something back from God or the person, then we’ll likely be victimized by ourselves again unless the person we give to is aware of and agrees to the condition.
7. Saying no is loving.
God needs people to be vessels to give to and care for people. If we don’t want to give, it means we probably aren’t meant to, unless we’re stuck in our fear of compulsively giving. Knowing when to give, how much, and to whom are as important as knowing when not to give. Our giving can be God’s hand touching people, or it can block them from learning a lesson. Don’t give unless it’s something you feel led to do and you are willing to take responsibility for your decision.
8. Don’t be afraid of giving.
Sometimes when we don’t have much to give, we’re able to give freely. When we have more, we may become stingy. We may be afraid of manipulation. Sometimes people are trying to manipulate us. Or we may be financially insecure. No matter our budget, our higher power is taking care of us. Clean giving takes practice. We’ll probably make mistakes. If we take responsibility for what we give, then we won’t be victimized.
9. Give and receive more than money.
There are things we can give and receive that as important or more valuable than money—time, skills, compassion, encouragement, and listening. Sometimes it’s easier to give money than to give of ourselves. But giving of ourselves is important and brings with it a special blessing.
10. Beware of crossing the line.
Our goal is giving that’s pure. If we cross the line from giving clearly and cleanly no matter what we’re giving into the codependent zone, all we need to do is step back over. But don’t forget that giving is essential to being a healthy, loving person. Until we can say yes as freely as we say no, we’re still on the codependent side of the line. Freely giving and receiving completes the circle of love."
Beattie advises readers to become aware
of our giving and receiving by keeping a log
for one month. "Note how much you give, who you give to, how you feel and are
motivated, and how you feel afterward," she writes. "Log when and what you receive...Do you feel you have to give back each time
someone gives to you? Are you afraid to give? Are you caught up in compulsive
giving? Are you giving to manipulate? Are you able to ask for what you need?
Awareness is the first step toward acceptance, peace, and change."Ahem...
To round off all this seriousness and revisit that dangling sci-fi thread in this post, I feel like I should say that I gave my dad Guardians of the Galaxy on DVD for Christmas. He watched it two days in a row. I'm very proud of him.
The power drill he gave me is pretty amazing, too. I figure I should mention that in case he reads this post, I don't want him to feel slighted by my reference to the TARDIS mug of wonders.
Merry belated Christmas and Happiest New Year!
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"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given...and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6 (KJV)
For some reason, I've never anchored on Isaiah's reference to Jesus as "Wonderful Counselor."
I dig that. I dig the peace part, too.
Peace and goodwill to all humankind and here's to a New Year of giving and receiving.
4 comments:
Quality time and conversation are easily two of my favorite gifts. So one of my favorite gifts was runnin, walkin, and talkin with my niece at Camp Christmas.
Got nothing for the caption, but that mug is so cool. So is a power drill.
Giving and probably even more so receiving is tought to figure out. I should probably read this post more than once and then practice with a log like it says. But I probably won't. But I should maybe.
What have you gotten out of that content?
"Give that to me Ralph... Come away with us... You'll never be one of them!"
Loved the post Sarah. I've written some of the books you recommended also. One of the list that I particularly resonated with was not receiving stuff so that you never have to owe anybody anything. In fact, just a couple of months ago I said those exact words. In reference to a situation I said, "I like leaving saying, 'I don't owe you anything.'" Looks like I may need to learn to receive with more gratitude.
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