Sweat and Tears

I had two really beautiful moments today.

One of them was the beginning of a run with paradise playing in my ears and a view of the mountains. Overall, the run was slow and short, but just the act of trying again brought back these amazing memories of all the places and times my heart and feet have beat faster along with this belief that even though my right knee is a liability now, I'm vibrant, alive, and full of feeling and better for all those miles of sweat and pain.

The second beautiful moment happened while I was chatting with Natalia, my Argentine kindred spirit. Months have gone by since we last talked, but we pick it up like we're still roommates living in hogar nuevo, pieza 35.

The last time I saw Naty, we were in Florence. (I feel weird that I can actually say that. Just the name Florence sounds really pretentious in my head, but that's where we were.) Five years had passed since we had seen each other in Argentina, and she had a ring on a very important finger that I hadn't expected to see. Leo proposed to her in Rome. They were planning to get married in a year once she moved back to Argentina and they both had jobs. She told me all about it as we walked the stone streets until my feet ached.

The night was this mysterious mixture of the new and the familiar. I remember a musician with a guitar and amplifier was singing Coldplay and James Taylor covers near Palazzo Vecchio. The stars were yellow, and hearing Sweet Baby James made me miss my dad and think of the Taylor album on cassette tape that he left in the console of my truck when I drove off to college. I still have it, the tape and the memories, but Naty doesn't have the ring anymore.

That night we walked along the River Arno and stopped beside a railing made of two posts and a long length of chain. I couldn't tell it was a chain at first because it was loaded with padlocks intertwined and engraved with the names of lovers who had fastened them to the railing before throwing the key away in the river. Naty showed me the one she and Leo had left there with their names. Her eyes were shining when she told me. It wasn't until the next day in the sunlight that I noticed two words painted in yellow letters on the top of one post: "FUCK LOVE."

Sorry, that's what it said.

I started writing all of this to share something beautiful, but it doesn't seem possible to taste the sweet without the bitter. I haven't had to drink deep bitterness that way. The way Naty did when Leo's mother kicked her out of their house as he stood by silently. I've had more than my share of male attention, welcomed and unsought, with all the redundant frustration and disappointed hopes that come with it. I've said no, and I've heard it, too. I've been lied to, and I've lied to myself for brief periods of time. But, my heart hasn't gone so far, tender and resilient as it is. The Lord knows it wants to. Patience?

It amazes me how we imbue inanimate objects with deep meaning. A ring. A padlock. Then reality turns that meaning on its head. I wonder about those padlocks on the riverside and those keys on the river bottom. And the warning in yellow paint that will chip off long before the locks rust away. I guess I can't help hope that love will win and outlast the cynics even though they're right sometimes.

Six months after the ring and padlock changed their meaning, Naty is still dealing with the bitterness. She was honest about it tonight as we shared about our lives, families, friends, and prayers. In the midst of the news and the honest heartaches, I felt tears of pure joy flow down my face just for being able to talk with her and hear her wisdom, faith, and hope. I really love and admire my friend. It may not be the kind of love we make movies about, but it's still beautiful and real and it seems much more likely to last forever. When I told her about my questions and uncertainties, she pointed me back to God. The sign of a true friend.

"Te regalo estos 2 versículos," she said. Here they are.

"I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." Isaiah 48:17

And...

"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:5

My life is going to change a lot in the next few months. For all my innate sense of strategy, I can't predict what it will look like, but I mostly know who will be a part of it.

But, I'm not gonna lie...it would be nice to not run alone.